When it comes to sex and relationships, there are as many variations as there are people. No two relationships look the same, which means feeling embarrassed or uncertain about sharing your desires and discomforts is common. What worked well in a previous relationship might be off the table in your current one. Finding a way to maneuver through sex talks is one of the most common reasons why people try couples therapy.
Therapy certainly has plenty to offer to get both of you on the same page, and it is worth trying. In addition to scheduling an appointment, you may also consider other strategies. Using a combination of at-home intentionality and the help of a therapist, you may find that sex talks become an opportunity for playful connection rather than dread or shame.
Why Talk About Sex Instead of Having It?
For many couples, sex is something to be having, not ruminating about. However, connecting outside the bedroom is part of what keeps the spark alive. Individuals may not feel that their needs are being met, or they fear that something about their own interests and preferences is negatively impacting their partner. Sometimes, you might simply want to try something new.
Studies indicate that couples may experience many inhibitors to talking about sex. These include:
While these are general averages across multiple studies, they indicate that some challenges consistently bar the way toward vulnerable, enthusiastic sex talk.
Tips for Navigating Sex Talks With Your Partner
Do you have something vulnerable you need to say? Do you want to give your partner an opportunity to share their wants and needs? Here are a few ways to make space for the conversation and keep it fun, helpful, and resonant rather than awkward.
Make it a Routine
One of the best ways to take the edge off sex talk is to make it a regular part of your lifestyle. Once a week or once a month, schedule a time to sit down and simply talk about your intimate lives. The knowledge that the conversation is specifically for that purpose can help both of you approach the discussion already primed for vulnerability. It can also give you time to compose your thoughts, rather than struggling to articulate them in the moment.
Many couples quickly come to look forward to their routine discussions. It opens a two-way street where neither partner feels like they have suddenly created a tense or uncomfortable situation. Both become active participants.
Find the Good Things First
When talking about the things you want during sex, it can be easy for the conversation to come across as a list of complaints. Be sure to identify the things you love, not just about sex, but about your relationship, and share those freely. For example:
“I love how you pay so much attention to how I react, and you always stop when I ask you to. That makes me feel safe.”
From there, you have a more compassionate foothold on which to stand when sharing your interests. It grounds your ideas in what is already going well and how to build on that.
Don’t Be Afraid To Check In
Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, what you discussed during your conversation can take a backseat. Do not be afraid to check in actively during intimacy. Consent is king, but even if your partner is doing something you like, offering guidance, encouragement, or feedback can help clarify your goals and ideas.
Take Turns
Conversations about sex can feel one-sided, so it is important that you leave space and encouragement for both partners to speak. After you have shared your ideas, invite your partner to join: “What do you think about that?” “Did you have any ideas of your own you might want to try?”
Make it Playful
Some resources, such as Gottman’s Salsa Card Deck, can break the ice and create fun opportunities to get to know each other better. MojoUpgrade’s blind quiz lets each partner say yes, maybe, or no to a variety of kinks and behaviors; the results show only the activities each partner expressed interest in. This allows couples to open a path toward vulnerable sex talk, especially about potentially “taboo” or “embarrassing” topics, from a place of common ground.
Book Your Couples Therapy Appointment Today
If your relationship needs a little boost, engaging in a vulnerable but enthusiastic conversation with your partner about your sexual needs can reignite the spark. It is entirely possible to keep things light and playful, creating a safe, fun space to experiment with your interests and identify your areas of discomfort.
Contact Village Counseling to schedule an appointment for couples therapy if you would like help creating that safe space or opening up during sex talks.