Family dynamics can be complex, and those living in blended families can experience this regularly. It is common for at least one person in a blended family to take time before they feel they “fit in” to their new dynamic, and for some, that time may never come. In fact, feeling like an outsider in a blended family is common and often affects one of the partners in the relationship. Couples therapy is a worthwhile place to start when experiencing this challenge.
A person stepping into another family’s routines, unspoken expectations, and existing dynamics can feel out of their element. These blended-family and extended-family dynamics may make one partner feel excluded or overridden, eroding the bond they have with their partner. To overcome this difficulty, one must understand where this feeling comes from, how to team up effectively, set boundaries, and stay connected with a partner.
Why People Sometimes Feel Like Outsiders
Sometimes, the feeling of unease or hurt a partner experiences in a blended family can be difficult to name and harder to source. Pre-existing routines, conflict avoidance, and power imbalances can all feed the symptoms, but they are not the true source of the emotions you may be feeling.
Being informed after decisions are already made is one of the biggest contributors to this outsider persona. You might feel like a guest in your own home, as if your opinion is optional. This type of dynamic is the origin of feeling excluded.
The Spiral That Comes After
Once you notice you are not fitting in the way you hoped or expected, it is easy to spiral. For most people, a spiral of withdrawal (or hypervigilance to changes in emotions and actions) leads their partner to interpret their actions as rejection (for withdrawal) or criticism (for hypervigilance). For safety and ease, the partner retreats into their old systems with their kids, family, and so on, resulting in a feedback loop that never stops.
Teaming Up Without Picking Favorites
Because the outsider spiral feeds itself, growing together as a team requires intention and a break from that cycle. The single most important lesson is that the “couple team” comes first. That does not mean kids come last or that the step-parent is in charge; it simply means that partners decide together as adults.
Which Decisions Require the Team?
Being a good team is knowing when to delegate to a person’s strengths and when to come together. As a team, you should likely be deciding together on:
- Schedule changes
- Money
- Household rules
- Visits to extended family
- Anything that will affect the home environment
Statements such as “let me talk to my partner and get back to you” are the bedrock of staying connected and being a team.
Example Boundaries to Reduce Repeat Conflict
Choosing to do things together is one side of the couple team coin; the other is choosing what not to do or allow. These decisions are called boundaries or commitments: certain actions are not tolerated.
With the Kids
Many blended families struggle to manage their children equally; often, the children will pick a “favorite” parent, usually their biological parent. Boundaries in this area that can mitigate such division include preventing triangling, where the kids become messengers or referees between parents, especially during conflict. Define clear roles in the relationship and stick to them. Both the children and the parents will better know what to expect, and predictability breeds comfort.
With Exes
Blended families often involve ex-partners, and setting boundaries here can help keep the new couple strong. Consider limiting access to old partners and working with a therapist to go through lingering emotional leftovers. If you must stay in contact with an ex (e.g., for alimony reasons), create predictable rules for communication and logistics, and stick to them.
With Family
Blended families often see in-laws and other family members pushing into the bubble, trying (intentionally or not) to exert control and destabilize the balance. Boundaries here can resemble presenting a unified front; if you are contacted individually, share the contact with your partner and respond together to indicate that you cannot be divided. Set expectations on holidays, traditions, and pressure.
Stay Connected as a Team in Your Relationship
Being part of a team can be challenging even in non-blended families, but those maneuvering the dynamics of a blended family often experience distinct challenges. You do not have to feel like an outsider in your own family; with intention, you can stay connected and develop strong bonds as a team. Contact Village Counseling today to schedule a couples therapy appointment or call us at (410) 505-0062 and get help working through this unstable time in your relationship.