| In This Article: We provide guidance for individuals who are deepening or exploring their exclusive gender identity and how to approach these conversations with a knowledgeable, affirming therapist. |
Are you exploring your gender identity or embracing a non-cis label? If so, you might be thinking about bringing this up to your therapist (or finding one to talk to about your identity). Introducing this topic in therapy can be a vulnerable time, especially if you aren’t sure how your therapist will respond. As you search for a gender-affirming therapist, it is helpful to know what to look for and what to expect. Here are some preparations you can take, as well as some tips for what language to use, how to evaluate your therapist’s response, and what to do if they aren’t a good fit.
Why Therapy Can Be a Valuable Space for Exploring Gender Identity
The purpose of therapy is to provide a confidential, nonjudgmental setting to process complex feelings about identity at your own pace. This is a space for exploration; you should never feel that your concerns or thoughts are invalid or unworthy. Truly affirming care prioritizes this focus, and that is a good place to start looking.
Signs You’re Truly Ready to Bring It Up
Just because you suspect (or know) that your gender identity is authentically yours does not mean that you have to introduce the topic in therapy. However, some signs that you’re ready to do so include recurring thoughts about gender or a growing sense that therapy is incomplete without addressing it. There is no perfect moment to start the conversation, and you don’t need to have all the answers before you try. The label you choose might even change as your therapy discussions evolve, and this is normal and supported.
Ways to Start the Conversation With Your Therapist
Therapy should be safe, and that means you can bring up your identity plainly. You can simply say that you are trying labels for your gender or that you have found one you believe fits. However, if this feels too direct, you might also consider introducing the topic in an exploratory way. This might look like “I’ve been thinking about what being cisgender looks like and how I fit into it.”
Writing out what’s on your mind ahead of time can make the conversation easier. This way, you can practice your wording as much as you like, and you won’t forget what you want to say.
What a Gender Affirming Response Looks Like
When you bring this topic up with your therapist, it is useful to gauge their response. Even a friendly, kind therapist might be the wrong fit for your exploration because it’s not their area of expertise. Signs that a professional could be a good partner include:
- Using the same language you choose for your identity and concerns
- Following your lead
- Avoiding assumptions about your identity, feelings, or labels
- Staying curious without interrogating you
- Validating you without locking you into a certain conclusion
- Respecting what you have determined for yourself
Part of this discussion can include how your current therapist can support you. Have they had any training or experience in gender identity work? What gender-affirming care models do they favor? These are useful questions to bring to your appointment.
Red Flags That Your Therapist May Not Be the Right Fit for This Topic
On the opposite side of the spectrum, your therapist might give you signs that they are not the ideal person to have this conversation with. Those might resemble:
- Dismissiveness
- Reducing your feelings to pathology
- Attempts to steer the conversation away from gender
- Discomfort with or difficulty using your pronouns
- Framing exploration as a phase you’ll tire of eventually
Trust yourself. If you need a different therapist, you didn’t do anything wrong; you advocated for yourself to get the right care.
What to Do If You Need a Different Therapist
If you’ve determined that your therapist isn’t the right fit, it’s time to find a new one. You can search your insurance provider’s online directory or online resources such as Psychology Today’s database to filter for professionals for whom this is a regular practice area. Consider prioritizing people with existing experience in LGBTQIA+ therapy. Finding the right therapist is worth the effort, so be confident in advocating for yourself and your needs.
What to Expect in the Sessions That Follow
Once you have introduced your gender identity to someone you trust in therapy, you might notice a shift in the conversation. This could include deeper conversations and goals going forward, and you might even enjoy a stronger sense of authenticity as you embrace what makes your life and experience truly your own.
How fast and far you take that exploration is your choice, not your therapist’s. Therapy can hold space for uncertainty; do not feel pressured to reach a specific outcome or make a choice about your labels, feelings, and goals.
Talk to Your Therapist About Your Gender Identity
If you want to bring up your gender identity in therapy, rest assured that you can find a powerful, authentic conversation that supports your goals. You deserve a space where every part of your identity is welcome, and as you look for it, stay true to yourself. If you feel that your therapist is not a good fit or is not listening, try another. The professionals at Village Counseling are gender-affirming and proud to support those exploring their identity or who already know this facet of themselves. Contact Village Counseling to begin or continue your path forward in a space built for support and understanding.