Most people envision a partnership in which they are valued and have plenty of fond feelings for their significant other. They may dream of being held closely, complemented, and given the perfect gift on Valentine’s Day. However, when a person can only achieve feelings of self-worth and value from these (and other) acts with their partner, they may be struggling with codependency. Thankfully, couples therapy can help!
Codependency can be challenging in relationships, as it may seem harmless or even beneficial and loving. Couples therapy helps couples recognize codependent behaviors, establish healthy boundaries, build individual identity within the relationship, and create new patterns of interaction that support both partners’ emotional well-being.
What Is Codependency?
It is entirely normal and even encouraged for people to form strong bonds with each other. However, a person struggling with codependency depends too much on someone else. They may feel their sense of self relies entirely on their partner (or family member or friend). They may become distressed if they must care for their own mental and emotional needs.
Codependency becomes most noticeable when a person no longer functions independently. They cease to define themselves as independent, instead basing all of their worth and satisfaction on the actions and responses of the other person.
Is Codependency a Problem?
While some codependent behaviors are not problematic in a vacuum, codependency itself often is. Codependency robs a person of their own identity and places the burden of their well-being onto another person. While each individual in a relationship should support their partner, it is not their sole responsibility to bring their partner happiness, fulfillment, and joy; that is their partner’s job.
Codependency also creates a situation in which one person (or both people) consistently sacrifice their own needs and wants in service of their partner. This can lead to resentment and a gradual divergence in common goals that help couples succeed.
How Therapy Helps Couples Break Free of Codependent Patterns
Codependency can be difficult to spot because, in many ways, it resembles love, care, and affection. Couples therapy can help people break free from these patterns by:
Identifying Codependent Behaviors
People who are regularly invested in codependent behaviors may not even notice them. A therapist can help patients understand the difference between self-sacrificing love and self-destructive codependency. From there, patients can learn to see other problematic behaviors on their own or notice the ones they most often engage in whenever they occur.
Establishing Healthy Boundaries
Both people in a codependent relationship can benefit from boundaries, but many couples are unclear on how to set them. Some useful boundaries in codependent relationships include:
- Setting guidelines on how much time to spend together
- Limiting involvement in conversations of emotional catharsis (e.g., one person venting all their frustrations to their partner)
- Ceasing over-nurturing behavior, such as doing all the household chores with no help
Building Individual Identities
To overcome codependency, each individual in the relationship must learn to find fulfillment, joy, and purpose as a person. Then, they can come together into a stronger relationship where each can stand on their own. A couples therapist can help patients find and understand their own identities.
For instance, it can be hard for someone who is codependent to find a hobby or activity that brings them joy because they tie all of their enrichment to their partner. The therapist may tease out information that gives them a springboard to start, or they can develop therapy activities to see what sticks.
Creating New patterns
Once couples begin to find themselves, the therapist can help them establish new, healthier engagement patterns. This may include setting accountability sessions, encouraging individual therapy alongside couples work, or even helping partners schedule activities separately from each other.
During a codependent relationship, even spending an hour with friends once a week can seem like a big first step, and a couples therapist can help create a schedule that is reasonable, accessible, and beneficial without jumping in too quickly.
Get Help From Couples Therapy
Codependency is a challenging situation to overcome because one or both partners may feel they are abandoning someone they love.
They may believe that they are “scaling back” on the love and affection their partner deserves or feel lost and adrift.
However, couples therapy can help each of them reclaim their own identities and come back together stronger, with a healthier bond that can stand the test of time. Contact Village Counseling today to schedule a couples therapy session if you believe your relationship is struggling with codependency!