Every relationship is different; from those who spend every moment together to long-distance couples who only meet in person twice a year, what causes tension for some might be appealing for others. However, one thing that holds true across many relationships is that the use of pornography can impact a couple’s connection. For practitioners offering couples therapy in Maryland, the trend has been clear for years: many partnerships can benefit from a digital detox.
Whether your relationship has a no-tolerance policy for explicit content or you watch together, establishing that each individual is on the same page and meeting their needs is essential. With around 70% of men and 34% of women in romantic relationships consuming pornography, it can be helpful to detox from the screen and nurture real, authentic touch with your partner. Even if it is not pornography (it might be social media addiction or something else keeping you from engaging with the people you love), rekindling a connection can bolster your bond.
Steps for a Digital Detox
If your relationship is faltering under the pressures of pornography, restoring your connection requires intentionality. That does not mean going cold turkey, upending every routine at once. Instead, consider a carefully paced digital detox to replace the screen with the touch of your loved one.
1. Set a Realistic Goal
Before you begin, work together to set realistic goals. Determine to what extent, if any, explicit content may be welcome in the relationship, and create a goal that moves toward that new normal. Goals do not have to be groundbreaking; instead, focus on something SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound).
2. Start Small
Transitioning into greater physical attention is a process, not an event. It is all right to start small. Begin by choosing intentionality, such as attending one event together outside the home each week or putting computers and tablets away after 7 PM. Small decisions ripple into significant developments. If you need help deciding on small goals, a therapist can help you choose the most effective and attainable places to start.
3. Delete Apps or Accounts
For those experiencing a consistent intimacy roadblock due to absentminded scrolling on a phone or quick access to pornographic content, couples could consider deleting the apps or accounts related to these behaviors. Placing a barrier to entry can be sufficient to encourage a person to choose time spent in person with their partner instead of opting for the easiest solution.
4. Choose Your Location Wisely
Now that some barriers are in place to prevent the easiest points of access and instead divert attention back to the physical elements of the relationship, it is time to build upon that success. Choose situations in which physical closeness with a partner is more straightforward and more consistent than closeness with pornographic material. For example, if you sleep in separate rooms, leave electronics in the kitchen overnight. If you have separate hobbies, can you engage in them in the same space (often called parallel play)?
5. Plan Activities Together
Building intimacy means creating positive associations with your partner. Going to new locations, doing enjoyable activities, and experiencing novel things can all create dopamine, the reward chemical. By tying your dopamine hits to your partner’s presence, you can gradually detox from screens and help your body choose the physical presence of your loved one over a quick internet fix.
6. Practice Touch
It may sound unconventional, but simply practicing touching your partner can pay big dividends. Touch need not be sexual in nature; sit together, place a hand on their knee, allow your arms to touch, or open your hand and compare whose is bigger. As with any skill, real touch requires practice!
7. Get Help From a Therapist
Therapy can be invaluable for couples whose relationships have hit a roadblock due to digital detours. From helping couples practice touch to identifying and remodeling the thought processes that influence each partner’s choices and priorities, a therapist can create an approach personalized to each couple’s desires and goals. If you haven’t created reasonable, actionable goals yet, a therapist can help you.
Rekindle Your Desire With Help From a Therapist
If your relationship has drifted away from physical intimacy due to the digital environment, getting back to the closeness of regular touch might seem to be a far-off goal. However, a couples therapist can help you and your partner rekindle desire in this screen-heavy world so you can embrace everything your relationship has to offer. Contact Village Counseling to try couples therapy and see how it can help you sculpt your relationship into something you embrace with joy and connection.