Hey, quick question: are you feeling disconnected from your partner? Is your relationship suffering because of it? Have you heard of the Gottman Love Languages? They are the five key ways to show and receive love to ensure a healthy, growing relationship.
In this blog post, we’ll be talking about each one and how they impact our relationship. At the end, we’ll throw in seven tips for improving communication in your relationship. So let’s get started!
The 5 Gottman Love Languages
1. QUALITY TIME
This means giving your partner your undivided attention, both physically and emotionally. This can be hard to do in today’s fast-paced, technological world. Still, it is so vital for the health of your relationship. If you are always on your phone or laptop when you are with your partner, they might feel unloved and unimportant. Make an effort to put away your devices and really be present when you are with them. Give them your full attention and let them know they are the most important person in the room.
If Quality Time is one of your love languages: let your partner know that you enjoy having time each day where you can focus on one another. You could present your needs as a way to better understand them and for them to understand you.
2. ACTS OF SERVICE
This is when you do something to help your partner without them even having to ask. It can be something as simple as making them breakfast in bed, taking the dog for a walk, or grocery shopping. It’s anything that you do to make their life easier and show them that you care. An Act of Service can be as simple or complicated as you want it to be, but pay attention to how your partner reacts, what they say, and how they show appreciation for what you do. When in doubt, you can ask them what kinds of acts mean the most to them!
If Acts of Service is one of your love languages: this is sometimes a tricky love language to request because we don’t want to feel like we’re demanding for our partner to be a servant. You could explain it as seeing them do things for you, even small and/or relatively unimportant things, is a way for you to see that they care in action!
3. PHYSICAL TOUCH
This is the most obvious one, but it is so important. Physical touch can be anything from holding hands to sex. It is a way to physically connect with your partner and show them that you love them. While it is pretty obvious, the way to express it can vary so much from person to person. Some people prefer a light touch, like a hug, while some are perfectly happy with heavy petting (*wink wink*) at every opportunity. Like with Acts of Service, this is a chance to pay extra attention to how your partner responds and what they say about your actions. What do they like most, and what could they use less of? Again, when in doubt, ask! Ironically, we’ve found that many people are more comfortable talking about their Physical Touch needs than their Acts of Service needs.
If Physical Touch is one of your love languages: tell your partner what you need; don’t overcomplicate it. Physical Touch can be one of the simplest but most nuanced love languages, and you should take the time to make sure your partner understands what does and doesn’t work for you.
4. GIFT GIVING
This doesn’t mean you have to spend much money on expensive gifts. It can be something as simple as a card, a flower, or a home-cooked meal. In most cases, it truly is the thought that counts. This is a way to show your partner that you are thinking of them and that you care. Be careful not to go too far with this love language since inundating someone with endless gifts can feel a little weird for the recipient. They might become uncomfortable or feel like you’re trying to buy their love, which is definitely not what this is about!
If Gift Giving is one of your love languages: much like Acts of Service, it can be awkward to tell someone, “I feel loved when you give me stuff”. But, also, like Acts of Service, you can present your needs as small things that provide tangible proof that you matter to the other person. You could stress that the gifts don’t have to be expensive or even cost money; they should just be physical things that show love and attention. After all, really neat rock collections have been born from much less than devoted love!
5. WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
This is when you tell your partner how much you love them, how proud you are of them, or how much you appreciate them. It’s a way to build them up and make them feel good about themselves. Different methods of delivery work for different people, both giving and receiving. You might feel awkward spelling out your love verbally, but be a damned fine poet when you’re in front of a computer. Work with what you have and roll with it. One tip for the less verbal amongst us is to make little notes about stuff you like about your partner and then tell them later in the day. Words are so powerful, so use them wisely.
If Words of Affirmation is one of your love languages: you should tell them, in words, how much their words matter to them. This might be the love language where your words are the single most powerful thing you can share to have your needs met. At the same time, be patient with your partner, especially if they’re less verbal than you are!
So there you have it, the five Gottman love languages. Which one do you relate to the most? If you’re not sure, take the quiz on their website. And remember, we all have different love languages, so it’s essential to communicate with your partner about what makes you feel loved.
7 Tips for Better Communication with Your Partner
However you slice it, sometimes communicating with the person we care about the most can also be the most challenging thing imaginable! When the emotions run high, and you don’t feel like you’re being heard, that’s when things are said that can never be unsaid. Here are some tips for doing better when discussing difficult topics and opening up more to being a great partner!
- Talk openly and honestly with your partner about your feelings.
- Make sure to listen to your partner when they’re speaking to you.
- Spend time communicating with your partner daily, even if it’s just for a few minutes.
- Be aware of the nonverbal cues you’re sending to your partner.
- Try to avoid making assumptions about what your partner is thinking or feeling.
- If you’re feeling disconnected from your partner, take some time to reconnect.
- Be bold and ask for help from a therapist or other professional if you need help communicating with your partner.
Are you having trouble getting through to your partner and being heard? Schedule an appointment with one of our skilled, professional therapists today! Village Counseling offers individual and couples sessions to meet your needs.