Any relationship will experience times of tension, whether due to external factors such as work stress or internal conflict such as disagreements. However, healthy couples can resolve these challenges through good communication and clear expectations. When the people in a relationship cannot articulate what they want and why, even mundane situations can quickly lead to one of the most common relationship hangups that drives people to couples therapy: resentment.
Resentment slowly erodes a relationship’s foundation. Studies have found that resentment and contempt are among the leading causes of relationship dissolution. Couples should know how to recognize the early warning signs of resentment, understand what causes it, and see a couples therapist to get the help they need.
Identifying Resentment
Resentment consists of multiple emotions: disgust, anger, disappointment, and a sense of injustice. When someone feels that they have been let down repeatedly, they may develop a negative association with the person they were supposed to trust. This can lead to harmful thoughts and words that further erode the relationship between people.
Some signs of resentment budding in a relationship include:
- Sarcastic humor (e.g., “You, doing work around the house? That’s a funny idea.”)
- A decrease in empathy
- Lower libido or intimate contact
- Consistent feelings of disappointment or disgust
- A trend of finding more negatives than positives in a partner’s behavior
- Nitpicking
- A feeling of relief when spending time away from the partner
What Causes Resentment
Resentment can arise even in strong relationships if an essential pillar of communication and engagement breaks down.
Unexpressed Expectations
Each party in a relationship holds expectations for their partner, either consciously or unconsciously (and sometimes both). Who does which chores, which decisions must be made together, how time and money should be spent, and more can all become unspoken “agreements.” However, some couples fail to actually speak to their partner about these expectations, which sets them up for failure.
How can an individual hope to meet their partner’s expectations when unaware of them? Person A becomes resentful of their partner’s constant criticisms of their failures, and Person B feels they do not know what they are doing wrong.
Boundary Violations
Boundaries are rules that govern people’s behavior between each other. If one individual in a relationship consistently ignores the other’s boundaries, it can convey a sense of mistrust and anger. These violations are often minor; in fact, they are usually so inconsequential that the victim does not even feel that they are worth bringing up, worsening the issue.
Imbalance
Relationships are about teamwork; when just one person is carrying a team, it is easy for that individual to develop resentment. Compromise is essential for strong relationships, as it dedicates effort to both partners’ goals while addressing potential issues with achieving them. Partners who cannot maintain this balance can quickly become resentful. “Of course, they didn’t put the dishes away again. Why should I do all the work?”
How a Therapist Can Help
Couples therapy is invaluable for partners looking to overcome or stop resentment before it starts. Therapists can help couples work together to identify and address their relationship’s root issues before they cause irreparable damage. Some of the ways a therapist might offer a distinctive perspective include:
Seeing the Hurt
A therapist can ease information out of each partner to find issues they may not be consciously aware of. Or, a partner may know the root cause of the hurt but are unsure whether to share. For example, many individuals carry past trauma from previous relationships (e.g., partners, parents), and that impacts their expectations from their partners. A therapist can help them see how they have been hurt and how those events are altering the way they engage with other people. This allows each individual to set themselves up for success.
Comprehending Each Other’s Position
Therapists help couples understand that each partner has a fundamentally different experience in the relationship. They may not be on the same page about what a relationship entails, how they expect things to proceed, and what has been modeled to them before. In some instances, partners need help empathizing and “wearing each other’s shoes” to see their behavior’s consequences. Couples therapy can facilitate this process in a safe space.
Stop Resentment From Harming Your Relationship
Any relationship can experience resentment if the partners are not willing to work on communication, respect boundaries, and set expectations. Couples therapy can be an effective way to heal from resentment and restore your relationship to something exciting, caring, and secure. Contact Village Counseling today to schedule an appointment with trusted professionals and get started on the path to a blissful relationship!