In any relationship, partners take particular approaches to showing love to one another and feeling validated when they receive love from their partner. Sometimes, conflict can arise when two people speak different “love languages”; in other words, they communicate their love in a way that their partner does not necessarily respond to. Therapists in the Virginia Beach couples therapy scene regularly see this phenomenon.
Things can become even more complex when neurodivergence enters the scene. Neurospicy individuals often use love languages outside of many people’s repertoire, so it is easy for partners to either fail to understand this method of affection or inadequately communicate their love to their neurodivergent partner. Couples therapy can help get everyone on the same page by educating partners on how traditional love languages might present exclusively in neurospicy relationships and providing a roadmap for what to do.
What Does It Mean to Be Neurodivergent?
Neurodivergence is a natural but less common variation of the brain’s natural development. Everyone’s situation differs, but there are some similar traits among many neurospicy individuals. For example, sensory sensitivities, the need for direct communication, and an intense focus on special interests often describe neurodivergent people.
ADHD is just one variation of neurodivergence, but it is among the most common. People on the autism spectrum also resonate strongly with these descriptors. Neurodivergence means that a person approaches life differently than “average.”
The Exclusive Love Languages of Neurodivergent People
Because neurospicy people have different experiences when engaging with the world, their love languages often differ from those of others who do not have those same experiences. For a large number of neurotypical couples, there are five primary love languages (ways that partners show love and feel loved in return):
- Giving gifts
- Saying affirming things
- Spending time together
- Physical intimacy
- Serving each other (e.g., helping with the chores, doing something nice for someone)
While a neurodivergent person may communicate using these love languages and respond well when their partner uses them in return, operating on an entirely different list is common.
Neurodivergent love languages often include:
- Sharing a lot of information on a topic all at once, usually without waiting for the other person to respond
- Participating in separate activities in the same room
- Heavy pressure (e.g., a powerful hug, lying on top of someone)
- Swapping responsibilities (e.g., one person reminds the other to drink water since they often forget, while the other brings their partner their multivitamin to make sure they take it)
- Presenting small, person-specific gifts that are not typically considered gifts (e.g., interesting rocks)
Partnership in a Neurospicy Relationship
All of the above-mentioned neurodivergent love languages arise from some of the particular ways that such people interact with the world. For example, their tendency to develop hyper-specific special interests lends itself to infodumping and, in turn, receiving exclusive gifts in their niche.
However, failure to understand these attributes can lead to relationship conflict, and simply researching the more common love languages may not provide a solution. This is the power of therapy. Therapy offers concrete strategies for partners to understand each other better and appreciate each other’s ways of showing affection.
Therapists can make this process easier by:
- Assisting each partner with determining the ways they wish to be loved and how they express love
- Developing tangible strategies to incorporate their partner’s love language needs into their behaviors
- Encouraging clear communication and boundary-setting
- Reframing what is “normal” to decrease feelings of anxiety and self-consciousness
In many cases, partners need actionable ideas to gradually adjust to giving their loved ones the support and affection they need and respond to them best. Similarly, they may not know how to articulate what they want and how their partner can provide that. Therapy is invaluable for teasing out these threads so that all parties involved are more informed about their relationship and equipped to meet the needs of everyone within.
Start Couples Therapy in Virginia Beach, VA Today
Neurodivergence can change how people approach challenges, but it is not a flaw or a disorder. If you or your partner (or both) are neurospicy, seeking outside help from a couples therapist can put your relationship on a firmer footing by improving communication and empathy. The therapists at Village Counseling can help you and your partner to articulate your needs so that everyone can flourish in the relationship. Contact Village Counseling today to try couples therapy in Virginia Beach!